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Reflection

So, I've been in a contemplative, reflective mood the past few days and in the course of thinking and pondering I have figured out a couple things about myself. Every so often I get in this funk where no matter what happens I cannot shake this feeling of gloom. I am presently in that state of mind. Through the use of my journal I have been able to reflect on each day and I realized my solemn state coincides with when Joe is at work for more than 3 days in a row. I think this week he works 8 days in a row with only a couple nights home. I consider myself as pretty independent but it's nice to have the companionship and the closeness of my best friend and lover. When he is gone long stretches I only have the companionship of our six beautiful children. Although this is better than nothing it can also take a toll on a person. I can't complain about their behavior because I have truly been blessed with wonderful children. It's just that they rely so much on me for not only their physical needs but also their sprirtual and emotional needs and that can be very draining. Am I teaching them the right things at the right times? Am I treating their fears and hopes appropriately? Am I showing them unconditional love? Just knowing that Heavenly Father has trusted me with 6 choice spirits is draining. It's so much easier to share that responsibility with my strong husband. I hope by my realizing this I can avoid feeling gloomy in the future, I hope to find a way to stay close to my husband even when we are apart. Yesterday as I wrote in my journal I was feeling pretty low and was comparing what I have to what those around me have and certain things just didn't seem fair. Well, through the spririt I realized that Heavenly Father blessed me with tender mercies throughout the whole day and I could accept the things that were bothering me. To start the day Joe left me a short and sweet love letter in the handle of the milk jug. Penny is teething and cranky, but, she let me hold her and cuddle her until my heart was mended. Matthew was sweet and snuggled up to me on the couch and told me he loved me. The kids even played quietly so I was able to take a little nap. Everyone ate dinner without complaining. Now, these are all simple things but they are what kept me going. To me, it's a testament of God's love and I'm so thankful he takes the time to show little old me that I am special in his eyes. I know Joe loves me and that too sustains me on those rough days and weeks. I do not want to complain about my lot in life because I truly love being a mom but life is just that and is not always roses and cotton candy.

This morning as I dropped Dallin and Eliza off I school I had another epiphany. As soon as Dallin was out of the car he was surrounded by friends and was busy talking with them. He has 1 really good friend but he has the ability to be friendly to everyone. I admire that in him and have to wonder where he acquired that trait. Eliza, on the other hand walked to the school by herself. She has 4-5 good friends and if she's not with them she has a hard time making new friends. That, I can relate to. I love having friends, I love talking and laughing and crying with my friends. It's very hard for me to make new friends though. I'm not comfortable putting myself out there and being the one to break the ice. I know how Eliza feels when we go someplace new with kids she doesn't know. She would rather hang out with me than meet new people. Once she's made a friend though, no problem. Watching my kids this morning opened my eyes to the differences in people. Hopefully I can work harder at being a better friend. I want to be more like Dallin with the confidence to be friendly to everyone, not just those who have been friendly to me. I think it all stems back to when I was a little girl. I grew up in a small town and as a red head I got made fun of. My self esteem was not super great. I had some awesome friends though and I enjoyed high school but, even now in new situations I question myself: am I pretty enough, am I funny enough, am I someone people want to be around? It may sound shallow but I do care what people think, I want to be accepted in the "group." I love the friends and family I have and I am so thankful that they can love me for who I am. Thank you! Well, a weight has been lifted. I think just telling someone about it makes you feel better. Now, I've told someone and I'm already feeling like I CAN DO IT!!